Existential Despair and Shamanic Rebirth

So what was happening in my spiritual journey during this time? I had continued my ongoing studies of Taoism and I had finally been able to separate the actual teachings of the Buddha from the religion that sprouted up after his passing. I had become interested in natural pantheism because–like so many spiritual concepts I have encountered in my life–it was something that gave me a cognitive framework for ideas I already held. Nothing radically new, just ongoing fleshing out of my spiritual belief system.

I had, however, continued to feel a growing existential emptiness and despair within my life. Depression seemed to be getting the better of me in spite of several changes in medication. There were weeks on end when hardly a day went by without the thought of suicide haunting me like a dark spectre. Perhaps it was the ongoing curse of the Silver medalist–who knows? All I know is that something was missing.

About this time, I began studying entheogens–natural plant-based psychoactive substances used for millennia as a catalyst for facilitating spiritual experiences. I had been listening to a lecture series by the late Terence McKenna called The Search for the Original Tree of Knowledge. Terence was a leading spokesman for what had been called the "Archaic Revival"–a reexamination of psychoactive substances and spiritual states of consciousness that began in the late 1990s and has continued to the present day.

Perhaps the most discussed of these substances was dimethyltryptamine or DMT–the primary psychoactive substance in a brew used by indigenous people of the Amazon rainforest called Ayahuasca. People were (and still are) paying thousands of dollars to go on Ayahuasca journeys to South America to experience it first-hand. Ayahuasca is a brew containing at least two substances. This first is Banisteriopsis caapi–a woody vine that grows throughout the Amazonian basin. This is mixed with a number of DMT-containing plants such as Psychotria viridis or Diplopterys cabrerana.
Interestingly, it is the B. caapi that is referred to as the ayahuasca vine even though it is the other plants which contain the DMT. DMT is not orally active–it is destroyed in the gut by an enzyme, monoamine oxidase. The B. caapi contains an alkaloid that temporarily inhibits the action of monoamine oxidase allowing the DMT to enter the bloodstream and thereby the brain.

In 2001 I had the opportunity to participate in an ayahuasca experience with a Bolivian shaman who was coming to the Olympia area in June. He would be facilitating traditional ceremonies with ayahuasca. Along with a dozen others, I signed up to take the "vine of the soul" and see what all the fuss was about.

Whatever you may have eaten or drank during your life, I can assure you it does not come close to the taste of ayahuasca. It is without doubt the most vile thing I have ever consumed–excessively bitter from the concentrated tannins within the plants. One of the notorious aspects of the ayahuasca experience is known as "la purga" or "the purge." Think Exorcist-style projectile vomiting that comes on about 20-30 minutes after drinking the brew. The good news is that it's over relatively quickly and usually doesn't return (although some were dealing with it throughout the night).

Following the purge, I laid down to recover–vowing never to do this again. Then, it was like a light switch had been flipped. The world was instantly transformed. Everything took on a surreal glow, even though it was a moonless night. The world seemed wondrously alive. But the most amazing part by far was the expansion of my mind and consciousness. It was like church, college, and psychotherapy all rolled up into one–only better. All of my spiritual studies of the past 30 years coalesced into a unified whole. Every existential question was answered. All of the personal insecurities that had haunted me since preadolescence instantly vanished. THIS was some powerful spirit medicine.

I couldn't really tell how long the whole thing lasted. The ceremony began at sunset. It was over at sunrise. From the moments following the purge and throughout the night, I had been thrust in to a spiritual rapture unlike any I had ever dreamed possible. As the sun rose above the horizon, I felt physically drained. The evening had been filled with dancing and chanting around the fire–nothing forced or artificial, just natural expressions of the ecstasy within. It was that good kind of "tired" feeling, like after a workout. Even though I was no longer in the same all-consuming state, I felt very relaxed and peaceful. I remained in a type of spiritual afterglow for the rest of the day. Even though I had already been up for over 24 hours, I didn't feel like sleeping. I was content to just savor every breath of my experience. I had been transformed. Nothing would ever be the same again.