Now what?

For every answer, there's a whole new set of questions. Now I'm facing some big ones. I just had a profoundly spiritual transformation that was facilitated by drinking an Amazonian shamanic brew that contains a schedule one controlled substance. And to complicate matters just a bit more–I'm a substance abuse counselor. This is why the word "dilemma" was invented. Oh well, often answers to the most profound spiritual and existential questions involve transcending apparent contradictions.

This was a spiritual crossroad in my life. Was I going to be true to myself, or to everyone else's ideas of who I "should" be? Choose one, and I risk not only possible alienation by my family and friends, but potential loss of my career. Choose the other, and I continue allowing my spirit to die a little more each day. If the consequences affected just me, the answer would be easier. But I have to think about Christina as well. How might my decision impact her?

Right in the middle of all this–the Universe decides to manifest this quandary within my physical body. August 2002. It was a Monday and I was getting ready to go to work. For about a week I'd been experiencing physical symptoms that seemed like heartburn. They would only last for about 20 minutes. Once, the "heartburn" was accompanied by some slight nausea and I seemed to have a little trouble breathing. Monday morning I had the "heartburn" again, along with numbness and tingling in my left arm (I think you see where this is going). Christina insisted I call the Group Health Consulting Nurse before going to work. I promised her I would. The nurse told me to go to immediately to St Joseph Hospital ER. About two hours later I was having emergency angioplasty to relieve a 100% blockage in one of my coronary arteries. For at least a week I was having small heart attacks. I could have dropped dead anytime and probably would have if I'd gone to work that Monday.

My heart problem was probably due to the extra 40+ pounds I was packing around, but I believe that living out of synch with what I believed to be true didn't help. I decided that I'd wasted enough of my life trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. Whatever it took and whatever the consequences–I was going to find a way to start living with more authenticity and integrity. This blog is the latest installment in that ongoing experiment.

A major challenge was going to involve the perceived contradiction between my profession–a substance abuse counseling specialist–and the latest accompaniment on my spiritual voyage–DMT in the form of an ayahuasca analog. The "problem" was not one that I struggled with–to me there was no contradiction between the two. It was more a problem of society's perceptions, misunderstandings, and prejudices. There's also the legal conundrum it presents (more on that in another post).

It really comes down to an issue that is often brought up by many of my clients–especially those who smoke pot. They often want to take the focus off their own issues with marijuana by arguing that is should be legal. My response–the legality or illegality of a drug has little, if anything, to do with whether or not a person develops a significant problem with that drug, and it definitely has nothing to do with recovery from such problems. Alcohol and tobacco–two legal drugs–are directly and indirectly responsible for far more deaths and social problems than all other drugs combined. In the U.S. only about 8% of people who consume alcohol develop alcoholism during their lifetime. The other 92% enjoy alcohol throughout their life without problems. Substance abuse counseling is about helping people who have major life problems due to the misuse of alcohol or other psychoactive drugs. It's not about enforcing societal prohibitions on people who are not causing problems for themselves or others (that's what law enforcement does).

If I use a psychoactive substance in a responsible manner as part of my spiritual practice and it presents no potential harm to others, what exactly is the problem? How does this have anything to do with my helping people who DO have substance use problems? What if it helps me to be a more effective counselor, or helps me to be a better person and member of society?

I rest my case (for now).

The Spirit Molecule

The first time I drank [Santo Daime], I found everything I was looking for. I died and was reborn–the man who drank the Daime never returned; the one who came back was a new man.

–Alex Plolari De Alverga

Forest of Visions

Time for a little break to discuss this new element in my spiritual journey–dimethyltryptamine, or DMT. In physics, the Higgs boson particle is a theoretical particle that gives other particles their mass. It has been dubbed the "God particle" by the media because it could be the source of all matter in the Universe. Likewise, DMT has been called the "Spirit molecule" because it may be the biochemical source of the human spirit or soul.

Let's take a closer look at this mysterious chemical.

So what is dimethyltryptamine? It is both one of the world's most powerful "psychedelic" substances and one of its most ubiquitous–being found in dozens of plants throughout the world. Oh, and one more thing–it's also naturally produced in the human brain. DMT first appears in the brain on the 49^th day of fetal development and, for most of our lives, quietly resides in the pineal gland–an endocrine gland about the size of a grain of rice that sits atop our brain stem. DMT's role in the brain is not fully understood, but the most common theory is that it may have some role in sleep and dreaming. It may, however, have a much more profound role.

University of New Mexico psychopharmacology researcher, Dr. Rick Strassman, did a 5-year research study on DMT involving 60 volunteers. The results of his study are documented in the book and film, DMT: The Spirit Molecule. One of the things participants in Dr. Strassman's study consistently described were experiences virtually identical to those reported by people who have had near death experiences. After receiving an intravenous dose of DMT, participants described being surrounded by a white light and feeling as if they were being lifted up. They would also encounter visions of dead friends and relatives that seemed to be telepathically speaking to them. For many people who have had them, near death experiences are spiritually transforming. They no longer fear death and find their lives significantly more meaningful. It has long been suspected that near death experience phenomenon result from a powerful neurochemical reaction. Dr. Strassman's studies would suggest DMT is a very likely candidate for being this mystery chemical.

Now here's where some interesting coincidences begin. Throughout history, the pineal gland has been associated with human spirituality. Rene Descartes called the pineal the "seat of the soul" and believed it to be the connection between mind and body. The pineal also has a long history of being thought to be the physical location of the "third eye" found in many spiritual traditions. Generally, the "third eye" is believed to be the point of connection between individual and universal consciousness. It has been associated with enlightenment, visions, clairvoyance, and out-of-body experiences.

"Spirit molecule?" "Seat of the soul?" Could it be that DMT's natural function in the human brain is that of a biochemical catalyst linking mind and body with spirit? This contradicts all those spiritual teachers who claim the use of psychoactive substances was not a legitimate spiritual tool. In fact, it appears that many people are regularly using DMT-containing elixirs such as ayahuasca to enhance their spiritual lives.

DMT was around during the Sixties, but was not as widely used as other substances such as LSD, Psilocybin, etc. primarily because of its lack of oral activity. In order to experience the effects of DMT it had to be smoked. When smoked, DMT produces a very intense, but brief effect. The experience is reportedly SO intense that a person is pretty much rendered non-functional because of profound visual effects. It became known as the "businessman's trip" because of its short duration (10-15 minutes) as opposed to the 8-12 hours of other psychedelics (although I doubt there were very many–if any–"businessmen" who ever used it). Its traditional use in South America involves the use of a monoamine oxidase inhibitor to make it orally active. This produces a longer lasting (8-12 hours), but less intense experience.

For most of its history, ayahuasca was known only to indigenous people living deep in the Amazonian rainforest. This changed dramatically in the 1990s with renewed interest in so-called entheogens. In Brazil, two Christian–based churches that use ayahuasca as a sacrament–Santo Daime and União do Vegetal–became so popular the Brazilian government was forced to modify its drug laws to allow for the religious use of ayahuasca. Members of Santo Daime and União do Vegetal frequently give testimonials about how the use of ayahuasca has transformed their lives in positive ways. These are not drugged-out stoners, these are ordinary people who go to church on Sunday. They just happen to have found that using ayahuasca during their religious services helps them deepen their spiritual faith.

These churches have spread not only to other South American countries, but also to Europe and the United States. In 2006, the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously upheld a New Mexico State Supreme Court ruling allowing the religious use of ayahuasca by a União do Vegetal church in the United States. Chief Justice John Roberts (yes, THAT John Roberts) wrote the opinion! The basic argument was that the government could not show a "compelling interest" for not allowing the ayahuasca use, other than the fact that it contained an illegal substance. The Courts ruled that this alone was not sufficient.

But if DMT is a schedule one controlled substance, doesn't that mean it's REALLY dangerous? Well, keep in mind, that marijuana is also a schedule one substance. Both cocaine and morphine are listed as schedule two. Using the schedule of controlled substances categories as a gauge of dangerousness, this would mean cocaine and morphine are less dangerous than marijuana. How can this be? Well it's because the controlled substances act–like most drug laws–is highly politicized. Alcohol and tobacco aren't even on the list and they kill more people than all other drugs combined. Any drug can be dangerous–even deadly–if misused. There is scant evidence that DMT itself has any significant negative effects on human functioning. In fact, when used properly, it seems to have beneficial effects. That DOES NOT mean it's safe for anyone and everyone to use.

Substances like DMT–the so-called "psychedelics" or "hallucinogens"–do have very real and potentially fatal consequences if used improperly. Usually this has nothing to do with the substance itself, but the fact that the person ingesting the substance doesn't know what they're getting into and is not using it in an environment that contributes to a spiritual encounter. In traditional societies, such as those of the Amazon rainforest, these substances are not used to "party" or "get high." They are viewed as sacred and used as a spiritual or religious sacrament–not unlike wine is used in Christian communion. Using a substance such as ayahuasca for spiritual purposes has as much in common with substance abuse as using wine to symbolically drink the blood of Christ has with pounding Jaeger bombs. What people who have used these substances understand is that when a person has been properly prepared and uses the substance in a proper setting, they may act as a means of enhancing spiritual knowledge.

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS MY OPINION BASED UPON MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. ALTHOUGH I BELIEVE ADULTS HAVE THE RIGHT TO INFORMED CHOICE WHEN IT COMES TO USING A SUBSTANCE SUCH AS AYAHUASCA FOR BONA FIDE SPIRITUAL OR RELIGIOUS PURPOSES, I AM NOT ADVOCATING OR RECOMMENDING SUCH USE.

In my experience, DMT–when taken orally in the form of ayahuasca or an analog–has allowed for a much fuller and deeper understanding of the spiritual knowledge I have been studying over the past 38 years. Since my spiritual studies have primarily been in Taoism, Buddhism, and Natural Pantheism the insights I have gained took the form of concepts within these traditions. I believe that had my studies been in other spiritual traditions, my understandings would have taken a form within those traditions. In essence, it is my opinion that DMT did not impart any specific spiritual knowledge, but rather assisted me in gaining greater awareness, understanding, and appreciation for that which I already knew.

Notes

Entheogen: en–within, theo–god, gen–to create. To create god within. A name given to plant-based psychoactive substances used by traditional societies as religious sacrament.

Santo Daime means Holy Daime, "daime" being the church's name for their ayahuasca sacrament.

União do Vegetal means Union of the Vegetal, "vegetal" being the church's name for their ayahuasca sacrament.

Forest of Visions: Ayahuasca, Amazonian Spirituality, and the Santo Daime Tradition by Alex Polari De Alverga is an excellent introduction the spiritual use of ayahuasca.

The Universe turned inside-out

The time was 1968-69. It was the zenith of the counter-culture movement in the United States. I was all of 14 and fancied myself a hippie (or at least as much of one as you could be in a conservative rural community). By this time, I had already discovered alcohol and was ripe for trying some of the more exotic forbidden fruit.

Now before I start my confession, you must put this in historical context. We’re talking over 40 years ago. Comedian Dana Carvey–who is the same age as me–once said the slogan for this era should have been “just say yes to drugs.” After all, Nixon didn’t sign the Controlled Substances Act into law until 1970.

This, by the way, is the other main reason for my “Adult Content” warning. I managed to survive several things I’m sure you don’t want your sons or daughter’s trying. Even if you did some of the same things, I’m sure it would keep you up at night if you thought of your offspring doing anything close to what you and I did back in the day. So, read on if you dare and Mom, please don't read any further. Nothing good can come of it.

My second encounter with things psychoactive (alcohol was first) was marijuana. This seemed to be the “bread and butter” of the counter-culture at the time. Back then, asking someone “Are you cool?” meant “Do you smoke pot?” Most people under 25 were cool. If you’ve never tried it (and I’m NOT suggesting you do), cannabis produces a very different state of consciousness than alcohol. Results may vary, but by-and-large pot tends to make one more relaxed and mellow. Sensual things–eating, listening to music, having your naked body touched, etc. taste, sound, and feel–as Tony the Tiger would say–GRRREAT! There is some loss of inhibition, but not in the same way as alcohol. It would be hard to imagine someone getting pissed off and wanting to fight while high on pot. If you decide to surrender your virginity while on pot, it would likely be because you feel a cosmic connection with the other person (besides it feeling so damn good), not because you are passed out and can’t say “no.”

Smoking pot was nice. I actually liked it more than alcohol. But alcohol was de rigueur at high school parties. No matter what the side dishes were, alcohol was always the main course. And pot does give you “cotton mouth,” so you have to drink something.

I quickly discovered that pot wasn’t the evil weed portrayed in Refer Madness. So I–like many others–figured the “other stuff” wasn’t so bad either. Before long, the list of psychoactives I had tried was longer than those I had not tried. Everything changed, however, with my first experience with LSD.

During the mid to late sixties, there was one group of chemicals that NOBODY was prepared for. They were called “Psychedelics” or “Hallucinogens” and included chemicals with names so long and complicated that they usually went by initials–LSD, MDA, DMT, etc. These are fundamentally VERY different than what everyone was used to. Drinking, smoking some pot, and maybe popping some speed every now and then does not prepare one for a full-blown experience with a substance such as LSD. This is the primary reason so many people had “bad trips.” It was not so much the drug, but the lack of appropriate preparation for taking it. In most properly structured clinical settings, LSD and similar substances showed great promise (and still do today) as therapy for mental and addictive disorders.

Well, fortunately I did not fall victim to the “bad trip,” in fact quite the opposite occurred. While those who had “bad trips” were afraid their experience would never end, I wanted it to go on forever. Initially, I was foolish enough to take this stuff at parties (definitely not recommended). But it was after the party ended and I was home laying in bed alone that the real beauty of LSD revealed itself to me. It seemed to open my mind to thoughts and ideas that led to questioning the very nature of reality. Suddenly, my existence within this infinite Universe became a prime focus of my attention. Who am I? Why am I here? What’s this all about? It was as if in one fell swoop I had gone from stoner teenager to budding philosopher.

Much later, I found out that many others have had similar experiences that left them permanently transformed. Those who weren’t scared shitless over seeing everything they ever thought that was real and true melt before their eyes had something akin to a religious conversion. In fact, an experiment conducted at the Harvard Divinity School many years earlier (more about that in future posts) had found that students could not tell the difference between a “real” spiritual experience and the experience one had on these substances.

I didn’t really experience the truly transformational power of such substances till many years later when I was able to take LSD and spend a day wandering in the desert of Southern California (there’s a reason people seeking spiritual answers often go into the wilderness alone).

The problem was, I had this transformative experience, but had nowhere to put it within my existing cognitive schema. This would lead to the next chapter of my journey.